22nd april 2000
WATCHING TV IN LA
One night I decided to see what was on offer on my cable TV. This was at about midnight. There are 78 channels available. This was what I saw. I tried not to linger more than 30 seconds on each station.
1. Blank
2. A commercial for Sprint (telephone system) and the video of TITANIC (a successful film)
3. Discovery Channel. A school of fish on the sea bed.
4. NBC. An ad for a show called CONRAD BLOOM and then back to the JAY LENNO SHOW. I quickly change to……
5. A drama. One man, two women. Big hair and lots of make up. Cut to one of the women and very Jewish looking therapist.
6. A bearded man by a very masculine looking drilling rig. He is talking about rock penetration.
7. Same ad for Sprint\Titanic. Then an ad for SPIN CITY, a show starring Michael. J. Fox. Then a car commercial.
8. All woman 10 pin bowling championships. Voice over talking about respective heights of contestants.
9. Some men seated on a stage. Host with microphone in audience. Men talking about being on a rope swing over a river.
10. A talk show. Dignified looking women talking about beautifying the city of Los Angeles.
11. Magic Johnson’s chat show. Magic giving away an autographed basketball. Cut to an ad for running shoes.
12. Re-run of old episode of TAXI.
13. Comedy. Black comedian called SINBAD telling a joke about a nudist camp.
14. Native American (Red Indian) lobbying for the right for his people to have gambling in California. The slogan is – Vote Yes On 5. Cut to an ad for a health club.
15. BLANK
16. Cheaply made drama about a murder in a family. Seems to be called DENNIS SMITH.
17. Fervent White preacher shouting gospel quotes at middle aged black women.
18. Ad – Look years younger. 15 years younger, in fact. Facial magic from Europe.
19. Car insurance ad followed by ad for American plastics association.
20. Pretty girl talks, as if to brain dead people about a mountain rescue team.
21. End credits for a film.
22. A Shopping Channel. Two unseen men with pronounced Southern accents are talking about hunting knives. Camera pans across a selection of lethal examples. One of the guys says “Big uns are back”.
23. Music channel. Three men talk. They seem to be discussing bad music videos. Cut to a clip of Julio Iglesio.
24. Ad for tampax followed by an ad for Disney.
25. Car racing. American car racing in which big cars drive in formation around a circular track. It occurs to me that all the bends are to the left. The drivers never get to turn right.
26. Ad for Budweiser Beer in the genre of a gangster movie.
27. MTV. A Muppet sketch.
28. A re-run of a NYPD episode.
29. Back to the knife-shopping channel. The two men are making pig noises and laughing, talking about how sharp the knives are.
30. Drama. A sad looking older man watches a younger man and a woman talking. It seems that someone has to “give the kid the bad news”. Cut to the kid looking expectantly at the door.
31. A Preview Channel showing an ad for genital warts.
32. CNN. Weather man with a three-day forecast.
33. Ad for Doctor Something or other’s Dynamic Health Book. One video or six cassettes for sale…
34. Spanish Channel. Ad for Hamburgers.
35. Some kind of warning about hazardous chemicals in your house.
36. Public Access Channel. Two very big girls undressing.
37. Nothing at all.
38. Ad for Market training.
39. Movie Channel. Film just beginning. ‘Algiers’ with Charles Boyer.
40. Religious Channel. Three fat white men shouting about Jesus and miracles. Cut to the same fat men sitting in a cheesy set trying to be funny. Thinking that they are funny as hell.
41. Sitcom re-runs. Snow and Christmas theme.
42. Film. Naked love scene. Possibly Willem Dafoe.
43. The Food Channel. Firefighters talk about their favourite dishes.
44. Preview Channel.
45. Shopping Channel. Earrings for $19.50.
46. Shopping Channel. Lipstick and anti-wrinkle cream.
47. Blank.
48. Stock Market evaluation cut to an ad for software.
49. Movie. Two women lying on a carpet pretending to swim. Italian voice over.
50. Blank
51. Rerun – Hill St Blues.
52. Spanish Channel. Man talking.
53. Spanish Channel. Ad for mini series.
54. Spanish Channel. Baseball game.
55. Ad for video of old rock and roll clips.
56. Spanish Channel. News and stock market.
57. Religious Channel – more of the same.
58. Courtroom TV channel. Dull process.
59. Film. Raggedy Rawney.
60. A woman called Cindy Margolis who describes herself as a model and actress talks with insane enthusiasm about making money, a book and the Internet.
61. Film. The Dave Clark 5 miming appallingly and looking like old geezers imitating the Beatles and not believing their luck in pulling it off.
62. Ad for a car.
63. Preview Channel
64. Pay per view. Through the distorted image that is there for a beat or two it is possible to see a naked body and get the sense of some porn waiting to be bought.
65. Blank.
66. Cartoon Channel. The Flintstones.
67. Sports Channel. Two jocks improvise badly. Treading water they sink deeper and deeper into banality and I realize that anybody can get on American TV. One of them mentions Jesus and then hesitates realizing that this may be touchy for some but then carries on plumbing new depths of mediocrity.
68. An old man trying on hats. A voice over….
69. A man speaking to a political assembly of some kind about integration.
70. Very cheesy music over old footage of Stonehenge.
71. A boxing match.
72. Korean Channel. Woman reading sports news
73. Comedy Channel. A brother and sister sing a song about how they cannot fuck each other.
74. Shopping Channel. Clothes.
75. Ad. Help for depression.
76. Blank.
77. Blank.
78. Blank.